08.16.2006

I've spent more than half my life with my husband. And half of that time was spent in the rarified environment of college towns. Places of understanding, freedom of thought and acceptance. Places where one's religion, ethnic or economic background or race did not matter. What you have to offer to the community, who you truly are is all that matters. We are all brothers and sisters, all citizens of the world.

Let me backtrack a little. The first eight years of my life was spent growing up in Southern California, mostly with my mother. My dad wasn't around much before the divorce when I was four, and I saw him two or three times after that. Granted, my mother was nuts, but she was also neither bigoted or racist. While there were many Mexicans, Native Americans, Asians and Indians in southern California in the late 60's and early 70's, I noticed no differences between myself and them. My mother was a little ahead of of her time, I guess. We ate the foods of many cultures and wore the clothing of those as well. I used to get tanned so dark as a child that my mother's friends would laughingly call me a little Mexican or little Indian. I took this as a compliment.(Later, as a teenager, I felt terribly deprived that I had never had Wonder bread, Skippy peanut butter, had my hair cut in a bob or wore those 'charming' polyester outfits that the other girls wore. I resented that I wasn't raised 'white bread and mayonnaise).

All this changed when I turned 8 and was sent to live halfway across the country with my grandmother. A lovely, cultured woman, my grandmother was one of the most virulent racists I have ever met. I saw black people for the very first time when I came to Illinois. My grandmother had very specific, very hateful opinions about blacks and jews. She did not think much of Mexicans, Asians or Indians, either. Her teachings of exclusivity and superiority extended even to the all-white town we lived in and the all-white private school I was sent to. Being a Mayflower descendant, I was taught that we were genetically and culturally superior to everyone else around. As a naturally shy and quiet child, my genetic superiority did not help me socially - but that is a discussion for some other time. I listened to her, but I don't remember ever taking any of it to heart. It seemed to clash with what I was reading about St. Francis, Ghandi and Buddha, but I had been taught to never question my elders.

When it came time to go to high school, I begged to go the the public high school instead of remaining in private school (mostly because I couldn't bear yet another four years with the same stuffed shirts) and after being granted dispensation, I discovered, naturally, that my grandmother had her head up her butt. In a school just the next town over, nearly as snooty as the town I lived in, there were Haitians, blacks, Iranians, Japanese and jewish kids. Despite my grandmother's propaganda, those kids were no different from me (except that maybe they got to have Wonder bread, watch tv and didn't get locked in their rooms). There were geeks and nerds, artistic types, popular kids and jocks, and color or race had really nothing to do with it. In spite of all my grandmother had tried to beat into my head, the black kids were no more athletically inclined than me, nor were they less smart than me. And, thanks to a great history teacher who showed authentic newsreels, I learned that the holocaust had actually occurred. I shit you not.

And why am I rambling on so? Well, it's this: for most of my life I've actually believed that we humans are all the same - we all love and want to be loved, we're all brothers and sisters living together in this world - even though some of us behave like rabid animals towards each other, sometimes.

So, it surprised me - no it really floored me - when in a certain state down South, this last Monday, I, or rather Dh and I, experienced discrimination. I know, you're thinking 'sure, yeah, right'. To be blown off and shined on because your skin is the wrong color. To have an opportunity, a job dangled in front of you like a carrot - but denied you because - because you're white. It's a mind blower - for sure. I suppose I've been a little naive - thinking that being a good person was all that mattered - only - it's not. I guess there's just some places I'm just not wanted - because of my skin color - and it has nothing to do with who I am or what I have to offer - and I'm just having a hard time with that right now. I mean, I thought our species was so far beyond that. I thought that didn't exist anymore. Wow.