Road Less Traveled

2 January 2011

2011-01-02T20:40:00.006-05:00

It's been awhile since I posted last . . . much has happened . . . much upheaval . . . many changes. Life goes on, even when we think we can't. Once on the other side - gratitude becomes the focus for all. No matter how bad a day I believe I am having, no matter how hopeless I feel, I can always find at least five things to be grateful for.

Not so long ago, I finished Bubba's fingerless knits. Year before last she saw the wool and wanted something from it. I created the pattern and knit these up rather quickly. I think of the wool as Orange Creamsicle. I am nearly done knitting a pair for me - in shades of purple.

My heart is still in Arizona with my brother. It was hard leaving him and all the lovely places we hiked, behind . . .

Hiking in the woods

2008-07-28T15:16:00.001-04:00

Grief

2008-07-27T20:08:00.005-04:00

It's interesting how grief works. It stores in your body, you know. I had read that somewhere, but I never really paid it any thought.

I barter sometimes for massages. I don't like to admit that I have fibromyalgia, I prefer to live life as if I do not. Yoga helps, living as healthy as I can, taking my supplements, and a positive attitude. But there is a cycle to it, of sorts, and every so often the pain is just crushingly overwhelming. Massage sometimes helps - 'tho' it is a double-edged sword. The massage can be excruciating, but some release and muscle relaxation does occur and then my pain level is lower.

I had a massage scheduled today. It was awful. So painful. At one point, as she was working on me, pushing down with both hands, I was overcome by an intense desire to weep, to sob. I managed to keep it in but, much to my embarassment, let out a whimper. I was just overcome by such a rush of anguish which did not dissapate during the remaining half hour. When she finished and I dressed, I was shaking, cold, anguished. And confused. I was confused why I was feeling such powerful emotions. I spent the next three hours on the couch with my heatpacks, morose, dozing. And then I got up, my muscles were less stiff and sore and I felt better. I realized then that my grief for Jake was so intense, so overwhelming that I had been storing it in my muscles. All of my muscles. My face, my arms, my feet, my back, my hands, everywhere. And some of it was released today, not by choice, but by necessity.

2008-07-12T23:22:00.000-04:00

5AM Wokeup - can’t go back to sleep. Anxiety about wedding? Not sure. Lie in bed trying not to be anxious, trying to relax, knowing that it will be a long day.
6:30 AM Shower & dress in comfortable but nice dress. I will change into my Mother-of-the-Bride dress later.
7AM Make list of what needs to be done. Breathe. Stage everything but dresses by door for loading into car. Have breakfast and coffee. Breathe.
7:30 AM Get Bubba off to salon with hairdresser to prepare First Baby for her big day. Get my big sister up. Breathe.
8AM Have a cup of tea. Breathe. Begin boutenierres. Making doubles of all, just in case.
8:19 AM Barn Owner calls. First Baby’s beloved horse Jake is down and not doing well. Blood coming from his eye. I ask him "You’re kidding, right?" No. Drop everything, run downstairs to grab jeans and boots to go over to barn to see horse and call vet. DH stops me, calls back barn owner and asks what symptoms are. Calls vet, vet away, another vet on call. DH tells me to stay saying that I am needed here to make sure everything is all set for the wedding, he will go over and take care of Jake. I do not want to, but I agree. DH calls First Baby to let her know and tell her that he will take care of everything, she is to stay where she is and prepare for the wedding. Through tears, she tells him where the Banamine is and how much to give Jake. DH leaves, I try to breathe, focus on just one thing - finishing the boutennierres.
8:30 AM DH calls to ask for names of any other vets. Jake is not ok. The Banamine is not helping. I give him the numbers I have, he instructs me to focus on the wedding.
9AM DH lets me know they are working on Jake and can’t get a vet. I call the photographer. She has horses, maybe she can recommend another vet. Get her voicemail. Go back to list. Focus on only the next thing to do. Boutenierres done, prepare 4 gallon jugs of fresh flower petals for flower girls/junior bridesmaids. Begin loading car trunk, then lay sheet over back seat of car so that wedding dress will not be marred. Load bridesmaid dresses, wedding dress and veil into car. Get neighbor to bring over table to wedding and reception site for guest book.
9:30 AM Florist calls - where am I? Not at wedding site to meet her to get the rest of the flowers! I explain, she agrees to meet me there in an hour after she delivers her funeral flowers. I arrange with neighbor to transport my sister and brother when they are dressed and ready.
9:45 AM At site, unload car. First person there. Lay out wedding gown, hang up bridesmaid dresses. Put boutenierres in fridge. Lay out makeup, toiletries, shoes for bride and bridal party. Kind of glad to be alone at this moment, as I feel on the brink of totally freaking out and collapsing. Take some deep breaths, get control. Just focus on one thing at a time. What is the next thing?
10 AM Meet florist. Try to engage. Mercifully short. Segregate flowers for First Baby’s bouquet, make floral arrangements for head table and guest book table. Lay out ribbon for bouquet and scottish sixpence. I am told that First Baby has left the salon and is at the farm trying to save her horse. She refuses to leave him. I remember that DH was to pick up coffee pot from church and make coffee for reception. Call DH’s friend to see if he can - no answer. Call DH’s best friend - he is a saint! He says without hesitation that he can pick up the coffee pot and come over and set it all up. I’m so grateful.
10:30 AM Groom’s father arrives, we hug and try not to cry. We will be doing this a lot this morning. He lets me know his wife is over at the farm trying to help with Jake. Bartender arrives, we negotiate kitchen space. Caterer arrives, I let him know that there may be a delay in the ceremony and therefore a delay in the reception.
11AM DJ arrives. I let him know that there may be a delay in the ceremony, and why. Ten minutes later, he yells at me because the ceremony site is further away from the carriage house than he thought. I politely encourage him to deal with it in a professional manner. I scream at him in my head as I smile sweetly at him and walk away to deal with the bartender’s emergency. Which isn’t one. I smile sweetly at him, too.
11:30 AM DH’s best friend Jim and his dear wife Claudia show up, 80 person coffee pot in tow. I am so very glad to see them and hug them. Claudia exudes calm and sweetness, Jim exudes calm and strength. Just what I need. Jim goes to work on the coffee. Claudia helps me with myriad little things, but most importantly is just there. DH calls to ask me to get First Baby to leave because no vet has come yet, it is looking worse and they are pretty sure they will have to put Jake down. I talk to the mother of the groom first, she adamantly wants First Baby to leave. Then I talk to the groom, he disagrees. He just wants to be there for First Baby, and when I ask him to be honest with me, he tells me that he is certain she won’t leave, that she’ll want to be there even if Jake has to be put down and he just wants to be there with her. I ask him if they think they might not want to get married today if that happens and he says that no, they’ll still get married, one thing doesn’t have much to do with the other. I appreciate his pragmatism. I talk to First Baby then, telling her that I am with her and Jake and I ask her how things are going. She is so sad, but so calm. They are working so hard with Jake, but she knows it isn’t good. She is prepared for the worse and wants to be there with him in the end if that is necessary. We hope it isn’t, we’re holding out hope for the vet who still hasn’t come. (Unknown to me, DH has called every single vet - small and large animal - in the state over the last three hours trying to get someone, anyone to come out. Finally, one is on the way.) This whole thing makes me sick, I just want to scream and sob, I want so much to be there with them. I wish someone else would take over so I could go to her. I stay calm, I tell her I love her again and that I am there for her, with her, praying for her and Jake. And I tell her that I will let everyone know to leave her alone and let her stay with him. She knows everyone wants to protect her from this, but she insists she needs to be there. She thanks me and gives the phone to her fiancé who passes it back to DH. I let him know that she has to stay to the end, she’s an adult and she needs to deal with this in her own way. And we need to stand by her and let her, no matter how hard it is and how much we want to protect her. And then I go back to managing and organizing. Things are falling into place. The groom’s aunt and father are most helpful. The photographer comes, I fill her in. She is generous with hugs.
12 PM The cake lady shows up. The cake is leaning like the Tower of Pisa. She is not doing things the way they were agreed upon. I tell her I will be right back as I need to deal with something else, because I am afraid I will scream at her. I take a moment to breathe and then I go back, speak to the caterer, enlist his wife to cut the cake (which the cake lady was supposed to have done and delivered precut cake for the guests, only the very top layer and a small cutting portion were to be real, the rest of the cake looked real, but was to be fake), get the cake lady to straighten the cake and put the topper on and then place some flowers and petals around to make it look pretty. Somehow, I’ve managed to do this with a smile. My sister comes with the things I left behind but needed. She is very helpful.
12:18 PM DH calls, the vet came, he could not save Jake. They had to put him down. He is going back to the house to shower and put on his tux. He will be there as soon as he can. I tell him that the coffee is all set, thanks to Jim. I take big gulps of air and try very hard not to cry. Claudia and Jim hug me, I get control. I go tell the groom’s father. We hug and try not to cry.
12:30 PM I ask Claudia to help the flower girls spread the excess flower petals in the pathway under the tent. I make First Baby’s bouquet. That’s a good thing to do while crying - it doesn’t matter if the roses get wet or my hands shake. Bubba is here, she and Claudia pull pictures of First Baby from the scrapbooks and put up with pictures of the groom near the entrance. The bridesmaids get dressed and ready. First Baby arrives, we cry and hug and cry and shake. And then she goes upstairs to put on her dress. The groomsmen dress. The Groom’s mother arrives, we hug and cry. I give the groom’s aunt the boutenierres. I get dressed. By about 1:15, all the guests are seated, and the procession begins.
I’ve never been one to cry at weddings. I did tear up when the Pastor took a moment to pray for Jake. I cried when First Baby danced with her father and the groom danced with his mother. And then when the newly married couple had their first dance together. DH cried too. For the first time in his adult life. And the father of the groom came and sat with me and we cried together as our kids danced. Very powerful, very emotional stuff. First Baby was so beautiful, what a lovely bride she made. She was so graceful that day, so engaging. She mingled and talked to everyone. In spite of the tragedy, it was a beautiful day.
I think Jake left her when he knew she had someone to care for her. He was there for her during some of her roughest times. He helped usher her into womanhood, helped make her the confident caring person she is today. He was a good friend, a great teacher. He loved her wholeheartedly and really liked her fiancé. He turned her over to her future husband, and in the weird way of the universe, it was good that she had her wedding right after he died. She had to focus on something else for six hours, she couldn’t fall apart for that time, but she got to be surrounded by family and friends and caring people.

Nerves

2008-05-30T19:05:00.003-04:00

Only 9 RSVPs. Three more weeks until the rsvp deadline. So much to do.

The girls and I are planning a bridal shower and bachelorette. Bridal shower invites will go out soon - we have to finalize a place and menu and theme - eeks!

2008-05-23T22:50:00.002-04:00

Successfully mailed the invitations! Very happy to have them on their way.

Now I will just have to wait for the RSVPs - stressing about numbers . . . costs . . . space at the reception . . .

. . . breathe . . . breathe . . . breathe

All will be well and all will be well and all manner of things will be well.

I am so very glad that it is a three day weekend. I am going to fall over and sleep now.

2008-05-22T23:42:00.002-04:00

I got home from work tonight to discover that the wedding invitations had arrived a full day early! So, I've spent the last 5 1/2 hours hand addressing them using calligraphy and stamping half. Bubba kindly helped me fold and stamp the other half. First Baby couldn't come help, she worked her first day at the new job and then went home to nurse her sick guy. Bad timing to be sick - First Baby picked up the sample cake for tasting. It is kind of hard, I would imagine, to adequately judge your wedding cake when you have the stomach flu. She promised me she would save me a taste - so I look forward to that! I am beat. I am going to crash. Work has an unpleasant way of coming around each morning . . .

2008-05-17T21:18:00.002-04:00

It's been a bit of a bumpy road the last year or so. I just realized today that I have been saving my posts in draft form instead of just publishing them. Smart. Smooth.

Took a long bike ride up north this morning to meet up with DH's sister and her husband and brother and his wife to take out the brother who lives in a nursing home to lunch for his birthday. An unpleasant chore, but one done for the parents. The things we do for our parents.

The ride up north was lovely. It began at 52 degrees, the trees are greening up and the fruit trees and honeysuckle are blooming, so the air is sweet and scented. The temperature rose as we went further north and lower in elevation.

After lunch, we headed back south to home as a good sized rain front was headed our way by 4. We wanted to be well home by then. the ride back was even better - warmer, the scents of warmed fertile earth, fresh, clean running streams, newly mown lawns and sunwarmed flowering bushes and trees. It had been 72 up north, but back home, although down south, we are at a higher elevation, so it was 65. Beautiful all the same.

2008-05-11T21:48:00.002-04:00

Mother's Day dawned clear, mild and sunny. I had my tea in the sun on the deck, then DH made me an omelette.

I had thought before today that I do something different - I would make demands for Mother's Day - go for a hike, or ride bikes on the bike path, maybe get some tea or lunch. And then I thought I would just accept whatever came my way, no demands, no expectations.

So I sat in the sun and did some writing. Then I dragged my mattress out into the sun to purify it. I had slept on that mattress both times I was sick and then recovering from the surgeries to remove the tumors. A lot of fear, anxiety, misery, sadness, despair and hopelessness was in that mattress and I am not nearly wealthy enough to buy a new mattress, so purification it was. DH then thought he would help me clean the room, so the bedroom benefitted from a thorough spring cleaning. Nary a cobweb or a dustbunny in sight. Next, I burned salt to purify the room of negative emotions and energies. Last, the mattress came back upstairs to be covered in clean sheets and blankets. The room feels different now, more peaceful, empty in a good way. A few years ago, I would have laughed if you suggested that I purify my mattress and bedroom. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

I made an enormous greek salad for dinner with roasted garlic bread, and first baby showed up with her fiance for dinner. Much to my surprise, all three children had gone in on an edible arrangement and very nice card for me. We all enjoyed the edible arrangement - mmm, chocolate covered strawberries - and just hung out together for a while. Nice, laid-back, loving evening. I am so very grateful for my three children, so very happy for each moment I get to spend with them.

Selfishness

2008-05-08T10:30:00.000-04:00

I was feeling blue and sad, so I bought myself something pretty. It was extravagant, but it worked - the beauty and simplicity cheered me up!

2008-05-08T07:29:00.002-04:00

The very first ever baby sweater I knit

Knit for first baby's best friend's daughter, a lovely little irish lass just 13 months old. Knit from Debblie Bliss washable (!) cashmerino yarn. I was so nervous about sewing it together, but it came out really quite lovely. Reports are that it fits well and Ellie May likes it. Whew!

A Little Eye Candy

2008-05-01T23:35:00.001-04:00

Comfortable Tombo

2008-04-28T19:28:00.001-04:00

Boy is 17 today!!

2008-04-26T17:22:00.001-04:00

RABCHUCKOR: A superhero, with the body, skill and brains of Chuck Norris, the head, ears and front paws of a rabbit and the wings and talons of a condor. Most fearsome. Often seen near a damn dear dam.

2008-04-20T16:06:00.000-04:00

Tombo and Boy

Tombo protests

Picnic at the dam

2008-04-20T13:17:00.000-04:00

Early Spring Sky

2008-04-09T16:41:00.002-04:00

It's raw and chilly and rather damp today. Looks it, doesn't it?

2008-04-09T09:09:00.000-04:00

The buds are popping!

See the little red fuzzies on the end of the branches? The maples are getting ready to pop!

Boy's pride and joy

2008-04-02T20:32:00.000-04:00

2008-03-24T19:40:00.000-04:00

Boy and Woogie

It's the middle of April and the lake is still frozen

Spring is on it's way

2008-03-24T19:33:00.000-04:00

The fields are still greyish brownish and there are no buds yet to pop on trees and brush, but it is coming. The air has changed - it has a different quality, a different smell. More birds are about, nesting, singing. Soon, we will see croci and daffodils and freesia. We are eager for spring here in the northern hemisphere . . . very, very eager.

2008-03-22T19:23:00.000-04:00

Working on boutonnieres for the groom and groomsmen

The groom has decided that he would like to wear this one, in white

And he would like his groomsmen to wear this one

My work is done!

Even more wedding prep

2008-03-14T19:01:00.000-04:00

Two of the bridesmaids in the right dress, in the right color and the right size. They will just need to be hemmed.

More wedding prep . . .

2008-02-17T18:56:00.000-05:00

Today we fitted two of the bridesmaids and one of the flowergirls (junior bridesmaids). Of course, the shop did not have the dress in both the right size and the right color, so you get to see the dresses in the wrong colors.

Isn't she adorable?

2008-02-07T21:24:00.000-05:00

Bubba tested for and received her brown belt tonight. She is now an apprentice sensei! I am so very proud of her!

Woogie

2008-02-06T18:21:00.000-05:00

2008-01-27T18:10:00.002-05:00

Today was the wedding gown fitting - an exciting, emotional and exhausting six hours at the bridal shop, trying on gown after gown, petticoats, bustiers, combs and veils. And then we looked at bridesmaid dresses, tried them on and picked one. Although we did, in the end, find lovely dresses, I can not, in any way recommend David's Bridal. And, I think I think I will leave it at that.

But, she does look pretty, doesn't she?

Baby girl, all grown up. Wow, I tear up just looking at her.

2008-01-23T20:16:00.003-05:00

Amy, my next door neighbor and friend, got a miniature boston terrier a couple of months ago. She is a sweet little puppy, but New England winters are pretty cold for a little puppy born down south, so I knit her a sweater. It is the first dog sweater I have ever knit, so I was worried that it might not be ok. I was looking around for a model before I gave it to Zoe puppy, and my two cats kindly volunteered.

Lilli did not want to take it off, she was purring very loudly.

Tombo also enjoyed the sweater, but he pointed out that dogs and cats are built differently, so when I knit him his own sweater, I should remember to make the neck taller and sew the armholes in differently. It was a little hard for him to walk in the sweater, but he put in a request for his own, perhaps not in purple french yarn after all.

Winter in New England

2008-01-14T17:48:00.000-05:00

2008-01-11T17:45:00.000-05:00

Boy is very happy - he is the proud owner of an authentic Mad Bomber hat and vintage WW2 Italian Army Goggles:

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T18:53:00.000-05:00

First snowfall

2007-12-14T16:45:00.001-05:00

2007-12-11T17:44:00.000-05:00

They've picked a date - July 12, 2008!

OMG!!!!!!

2007-12-05T17:32:00.001-05:00

Neil proposed to Jesse last night! On his knees! With ring in hand, very romantically!! I'm just so thrilled! So excited! Wow! First Baby is getting married!

2007-12-04T23:42:00.000-05:00

Hard frost came last night

How the pumpkins suffered . . .

2007-11-02T19:00:00.000-04:00

Jessegirl moved out. She and Neil have their first apartment together - also the first time either of them have lived away from home. Pretty exciting stuff - I must admit I miss her, though. It is bittersweet - time for her to move on with her own life - and I am happy about that, but, nevertheless, my first baby is gone.

2007-10-30T16:40:00.000-04:00

Kyle and Abby had fun today

Fall is coming

2007-10-22T18:01:00.000-04:00

The Orchard

2007-09-17T19:12:00.001-04:00

2007-08-21T16:29:00.002-04:00

Bubba turns 18 today!

Made her a lemon cake from scratch, with whipped cream frosting, fresh strawberries and peaches. Happy, mellow day.

Dreams do come true . . .

2007-08-08T13:19:00.001-04:00

DH is at last happy - his dream has been realized as he is now the proud owner of a 2003 Harley Davidson Electraglide Classic.

I, however, would have rather that the client paid his bill. I suppose though, if a client gave me a horse, with plenty of grain and hay, I would more than happily take that instead of cash : P

2007-08-07T16:25:00.000-04:00

Brought the kids to the beach today - hot and sunny!

2007-07-28T16:15:00.000-04:00

Sunflowers as far as the eye can see

Sunset over the Berkshires

2007-07-24T21:12:00.000-04:00

Merrit Clark Day

2007-07-22T20:04:00.002-04:00

Today was Merrit Clark Day (read huge bar-b-que and picnic in the middle of a freshly mown field with live bagpipes, bluegrass and country music and lots of nice people. Oh, and an authentic stagecoach giving rides. Fun!

GREEN!!!

2007-07-17T15:59:00.000-04:00

Our darling Miss Julia has dyed her hair green. GREEN!

14 July 2007

2007-07-14T15:52:00.004-04:00

The fireworks were held down on the shore tonight. We went for a long drive to see them, braved an hour of walking through crowds to score a seat close enough to see the pretty sparklies and feel the booms.

Bubba and I enjoyed the heck out of ourselves . . .

2007-07-10T21:06:00.000-04:00

Today I did this:

After mixing up the flax seeds, lavendar and cloves, I stuffed the muslin bag I had sewn and then sewed it shut.

Then I stuffed it into the sack I had knitted, finished up the closures and test-heated it. Spiffy new heat pack!

2007-07-08T19:56:00.000-04:00

We went for a long ride today with some friends, and some people we didn't know, down to the shore, and then took a boat ride out amongst the Thimble Islands. It was a hot and sunny day, perfect for riding the bike.

When I came home tonight, I found this waiting for me

Bubba and Boy had baked a cake from scratch, and then made buttercream frosting, from scratch. And then the two artists, Bubba and Miss Julia decorated it with buttercream flowers - so beautiful, so sweet! I feel very blessed.

Doing things differently . . .

2007-07-06T20:41:00.000-04:00

I don't usually come out and ask for specific things for my birthday - I'll drop a hint if I see something I like, before my birthday. Throughout the years, those hints, (for some reason I have as yet to understand) have never been heard.

This year, I did something different. DH asked me for a birthday list (something we always have the kids do) and I actually grew some balls and sent him a list of several things, asking him to get me just one of those things.

I was surprised, and grateful, to receive all but one item from my list:

I am really enjoying reading through my books and I haven't taken the earrings off since I got them. I feel so spoiled!

2007-07-06T17:39:00.000-04:00

Today was my birthday, so Boy, Bubba, DH and I began the day with a hike up to Squaw's Peak and Devil's Pulpit. Last night, intense thunderstorms with heavy rains and strong winds swept through, so there were many areas of the trail which were washed out. Along the trail, we met many of these little guys

Once we reached the summit, we lay across rocks on for a while, chatting and resting from the rather steep ascent. The view was spectacular, the sun was warm and a light breeze cooled the sweat on our bodies.

In the distance a storm began to build and we headed down the trail once we heard thunder. We made it all the way down and nearly back to the Blue Elk before it began to rain lightly. Once we got into the car it began to pour. Did I tell you - Bubba named her car the Blue Elk, because trying to drive the old blazer is rather like trying to ride an elk - it wants to go its own way.

We celebrate the 4th by hiking

2007-07-04T15:13:00.000-04:00

Bubba and Boy celebrate it by opening a can of whoop-ass on each other.

No, but really, it was a beautiful day for hiking - low to mid 70s, overcast, not too humid. I think the haziness made the view prettier:

2007-06-25T08:49:00.000-04:00

I've been busy the last couple of months with some fiber crafts other than knitting. I'm still knitting, but I've been teaching myself some new things and I'm starting to get excited. I've been planning to get an etsy shop up for the last year or so, so maybe with this I'll actually get it up . . . I'll post some pictures soon, but I am not quite ready yet

Jessebear, Jessebear

2007-06-21T19:02:00.000-04:00

First baby turns 21 today!

2007-06-21T09:37:00.000-04:00

Our nutty robin is sitting on a clutch of eggs. She explodes out of the tree just when you walk past. If she would just sit still, we would have never noticed these beauties . . .

Needs no title . . .

2007-06-20T22:33:00.000-04:00

Sunset over the Berkshires

2007-06-20T21:40:00.000-04:00

FO

2007-06-13T23:56:00.000-04:00

I had to attend at several meetings recently and having to pay attention to what was going on in those meetings, I put the sweater aside. Counting rows and increases does not go along so well to listening to speakers, so I decided to knit DH an herbal heatpack with some scraps of yarn previously used for mittens and leg warmers. Not exactly macho colors, but it's not like he'll be leaving the house with it. At any rate, I finished it tonight - the knitting part of it - and just have to sew on the i-chord loop and knob fastener. And whip up the inner sack on the sewing machine and stuff that. But the knitting part is done.

Americade

2007-06-10T18:32:00.000-04:00

Went for a little ride this weekend with some friends up to Lake George. Very pretty countryside, nice spending time with some nice people. Pleasantly warm on Saturday, quite chilly on Sunday. Really enjoyed riding through the beautiful countryside of upstate New York and Vermont.

Bubba in front of the Testing Board

2007-06-07T21:29:00.000-04:00

She earned her purple belt!

2007-05-27T15:14:00.000-04:00

I love this picture of them

2007-05-26T23:52:00.000-04:00

Boy, Miss Julia, Bubbagail

Tonight we were invited to a bonfire at the house of the Monge clan, including the first barbque of the season and then an evening of playing Pitch. Much fun.

Jessebear by the fire

Blooming Bloodroot

2007-05-25T17:30:00.000-04:00

Tombo feeling lovey

2007-05-23T13:35:00.000-04:00

2007-05-17T23:11:00.000-04:00

Finished the girl's capelet today. Just have to weave in the ends and then I'll post a picture.

Met with the Yarn Goddess - she has given me good input on DH's sweater - I'll start that in the next day or so.

Almost done with the shawl to be gifted. I think I have chosen who it'll go to.

Started knitting a heatpack - had to do something easy with the odds and ends of yarn. I'll see how it progresses and post a picture.

Life is moving along. Jessebear is back on doxy - we're hoping it pushes her lyme into remission. My roof is failing - we find a new leak almost everytime it rains. I'm not sure how much longer we can continue to patch it. At some point, it is going to be all patch and no original roof - but I guess we have quite a few years to go before it is that bad. I just worry sometimes. I suppose that's normal. If only we could win the lottery and pay off the real estate taxes and reroof the house and pay off everything else. But, I guess I would have to play the lottery to win it, wouldn't I?

2007-05-09T20:00:00.000-04:00

Riding along lately, I can see firsthand the damage done by the flooding last month. Bridges washed out, sections of road completely gone. Even though the water has receeded, there's still potent evidence of when the waterways substantially overran their banks wherever I look. The ground is bare in those spots, it looks naked and raw. I find the power of nature to be so intimidating, so awe-inspiring.

2007-05-08T21:17:00.000-04:00

I had to pick up Bubba from her martial arts class tonight. The traffic was heavy and I was standing by the car watching the traffic pass and waiting to open the door and get in. A convertible with two guys, younger than me, drove by, and they whistled at me. Long and low. Wow, do you know the last time I was whistled at? (by someone other than my husband?) Let's just say it was before I got obviously pregnant with my first daughter. That was 21 years ago. I'm just so amazed. Floating a little here.

2007-05-08T09:50:00.000-04:00

I'm down 24 pounds in 8 months. Not bad. I've been exercising five days a week and eating healthy, but no dieting. I want to be healthy and not strain my systems. I've gone down from a size 16 jean to a size 12 . I'm starting to notice subtle differences in my body. Pretty cool. Wonder what the next eight months will show?

2007-05-07T19:43:00.000-04:00

the feel of sun warmth on my skin

the smell of blooming things, warming earth, the sweetness of newly cut grass, the rich wet smell of a passing river

the sound of birdsong wafted on the breeze

baby goslings bobbing along behind their mother

bright splashes of color as I pass a field of dandelion blossoms

Spring feeds a deep hunger in my soul

2007-05-06T18:56:00.000-04:00

I successfully wormed the horses tonight.

Six simple words.

Have you ever tried to make your cat take medicine? Try it with a 1200 plus pound animal. Yeah. I'm so excited, so proud of myself, I just had to boast a little. I've always had Jessegirl do it before because I was quite intimidated and she is fearless. But not tonight. Just me, all alone in the pen. I feel about ten feet high. And you know, considering how wild they were three years ago, I am surprised at how well it went. Cherokee was, of course, convinced I was going to kill her. Once abused, always fearful. As a reward, I picked fresh grass and dandelion flowers for them. Dessert after Sunday night bran mash. Happy horses, happy Cynthia.

2007-04-26T22:52:00.000-04:00

Today my not-so-baby-boy turned sixteen. Sixteen! Wow! Here's my boy eleven years ago, when he turned five.
And here he is now, on the threshold of becoming a man, deep voice, strong as an ox, so much taller than me, but still gentle with animals and females.

I love talking with my boy. He'll spend long hours telling me about particle physics or nanotechnologies or the dutch artist Mondrian or some other topic which has grabbed his interest and he's researched.

This morning, after the requested breakfast of homemade waffles, he worked out with his dad and I, then he helped his dad adjust the clutch on the motorcycle. When Bubba came home from her nanny job, we had lunch together, ran some errands and then came home and finished putting together and frosting his german chocolate cake. It was a good day, a blessed day to be able to be with one another.

He is finding his way. What he wants to 'be when he grows up' changes often - from lawyer to research scientist to physicist to computer game designer to software designer to investment banker to teacher to chef to psychologist. He's smart and kind and considerate. He remembers the most amazing complex details and grasps concepts that I can not begin to understand. He's always thought mathematically. He has a way with animals and small children. Although he does not express it often, he has a definite artistic streak - it shows in his cooking and his writing.

I am so proud of him and I love him so much. I feel so blessed to have Boy as a son and to be able to watch him grow and change. I wish and hope for the best for him, for him to be happy, to give back to this world, to grow and learn all of his days and to spread joy and peace in his path and for him, in time, to find and nurture a good love.

2007-04-24T23:59:00.000-04:00

Slogging along on the capelet . . . about eight inches knit.

Chugging along on the shawl, only about ten inches to go.

Knitting going slower than normal - had to deal with arthritis and migraines and such - that's life!

Spring cometh

2007-04-22T23:45:00.000-04:00

Warmth returns to the earth here in the Northeast. I saw little green buds beginning to pop on trees today. I also saw crocuses blooming - bright flashes of color here and there - brings such joy to my heart. As the earth warms, spring smells begin to blow on gentle, warm breezes. Birds sing by day, racoons scream passionately at night (guess you can't have one without the other). The great horned owls are nesting again, I can hear them at night close to the house. DH was quite happy, he has spent much of the last two days on the bike. I've enjoyed riding with him, smelling the smells of fertile earth, fresh water flowing, green things, listening to the birds, feeling the heat of the sun on my face. Coming home at night, exhausted from the fresh air. Thanking God for the glory of his creation and the joy of being able to live in it. Each day I am alive with my family is such a priceless, sweet gift - I am so very, very grateful.

2007-04-19T19:27:00.000-04:00

It's funny how much attitudes and outlooks can change with the advent of sunshine and higher temperatures.

Today the sun broke through for the first time in a week or so (except for the occasional sporadic bursts before the big storm earlier in the week) and the mercury climbed up to 53 degrees. People were smiling and walking around without their coats. Life seemed more hopeful, somehow. Even though nothing new came in today, somehow, life didn't seem so . . . so difficult.

Smiles. How much one's spirits raise when the sun shines and people are smiling. Breathing comes a little easier, the chin lifts a little higher. The barbarians weren't so close to the gates today. It was a good day.

There's a button (way) down on my (almost lost) sidebar (yeah, I'm trying to fix it) for another Heather I'm holding in my prayers. I hope you'll think warm thoughts of her and her family, and perhaps if you feel the desire or are able to, maybe donate a little something for her trip to the Mayo Clinic. Good guys at the Mayo Clinic - my father-in-law would not be alive today if not for them and the guy who got him in and drove the care for him. I think a lot of the doctors at the Mayo Clinic.

04.17.2007

2007-04-17T18:33:00.000-04:00

Cold, grey and rainy today. The river is down some, but still raging. Having a hard time getting warm, fighting off a migraine. Breathing deep, hoping new clients are in the works and old clients will pay their bills. Watching other small business owners sweat, too. Breathing, praying, trusting in God.

Nor'easter

2007-04-16T16:19:00.000-04:00

This is how our river normally looks - notice the nice deck down by the river and the sedately gurgling water:

With the Nor'easter which hit yesterday, here is what the river looks like now. You can see the one piece of deck left, getting ready to be sucked downriver:

Over the last twelve hours, the river has flooded well over 35 feet past its banks. I do not think that the last of the decking will be there tommorrow.

Easter Cake and Tombo

2007-04-15T13:22:00.000-04:00

Just walk away and leave the cake.

2007-04-09T06:50:00.000-04:00

I like this picture of DH - pensive, quiet . . .

Easter Bear

2007-04-08T19:41:00.000-04:00

Out in the woods here, the Easter Bunny sometimes gets lost and we intead are visited by an Easter Bear. Over 6 feet tall, and when you bang pans to scare him off, he runs up a tree. Sadly, though, he doesn't leave any chocolate eggs or jelly beans . . .

Soon to be frogged . . .

2007-03-28T17:47:00.000-04:00

03.27.2007

2007-03-27T20:14:00.000-04:00

I finished the third reincarnation of Jessegirl's capelet last night.

She tried it on.

The short and sweet of it is that I will be frogging it yet again and reknitting it. For those of you who do not often knit with pure wool, know that it stretches, so the measurements we thought were good were not and it therefore stretches too much. Also, she has decided that she doesn't want me to do quite as many increases so that it will be a little less full. I am gaining a new appreciation for designing knitwear - it is not nearly as easy as one would think.

02.25.2007

2007-02-25T17:16:00.000-05:00

We had to run the horses today, cool them down and groom them. They were so happy to be exercised, and we enjoyed the day with them.

02.19.2007

2007-02-19T23:19:00.000-05:00

Along with the many other challenges we've been facing lately, Jessegirl was just diagnosed with lyme disease. Although this certainly sucks, as does the treatment required, it is a definite relief to finally know the cause of her pain, weakness, 'irritability', sleep disturbances and loss of appetite over the last several months. We'll be watching her and praying that she shows improvement once the antibiotics have a chance to kick in over the next four weeks and also that she recovers quickly.

02.12.2007

2007-02-12T18:55:00.000-05:00

It warmed up to about freezing today, so we decided to celebrate by going for a walk through the woods and along the boardwalk across the marsh. It was bright, cold and the sky was blue. How beautiful and peaceful.

01.31.2007

2007-01-31T20:12:00.000-05:00

I'm alive.

I've been away for some time as life has been, well, challenging. I think that's the best way to describe it. But, the sun may be breaking through the clouds, so today, for the first time in far too long, I took some Me Time - which meant going to Barnes and Noble, sitting down in a big comfy chair with a large cup of hot tea and reading the knitting magazines.

I like the knitting magazines probably the most right now (except for Yoga Journal, which I actually do buy and read cover to cover, often several times in a row). They are bright and pretty and full of interesting knits. I like the first ten or fifteen pages the most, though, and if there were no ads (even though the ads are bright and pretty and fun to look at) that would probably knock the part of the magazine I like the most down to two to five pages. That part of the magazine has the new advances, new book reviews, new tools and nifty ideas. I kind of wish that there was a knitting magazine composed solely of that part. It's not that I don't like the patterns - they are fun to look at, and occasionally I see something I might want to knit, but for the most part, the patterns, while bright or pretty or having interesting patterns are things I wouldn't be caught dead in nor would I dream of subjecting anyone I care to receiving such a thing (today, in one of the magazines, was a pattern for a poncho that looked rather like bright fuschia cat vomit. Really). And the thought of spending $6.35 for each of four or five magazines ($76.20 per year per magazine) for possibly one pattern I might one day knit, well, it just seems a little wasteful. I guess I am just a little too Scottish.

So, it's bloody cold here. This winter has been a little different. We've had virtually no snow - although it has flurried off and on the last week so there is about two inches blowing about. It was warm today - it got up to 26 degrees. The sun is down now, so the temperature has dropped to 19 degrees. I think I may have to take a drive and go put blankets on the horses.

It's funny, but when it gets cold, below freezing for an extended period, the cars make funny noises. Well, everything does, I guess, even us. And if you're very cold for a long enough period of time, you get in a real funk. Sometimes, it seems like you can't get enough layers on - there's not enough wool and silk to warm you. Even immolation begins to look attractive . . .

11.30.2006

2006-11-30T18:42:00.000-05:00

Up to 2003. Boy they were little . . .

11.27.2006

2006-11-27T23:34:00.000-05:00

Third day in, over 15 hours of video . . . We're into the '90's now, First Baby is sixish, Bubba is a toddler, Boy is a baby, DH is a student and watching this is making me hungry. Remembering poverty, always being hungry but making sure the little ones had enough food and warm clothes. Watching them grow and change, tape by tape, year by year. It really reminds me that although parenthood can be stressful, exhausting, frightening, it is also so sweet, so wonderful, so very very short. It blows my mind, it does
.

11.25.2006

2006-11-26T04:29:00.000-05:00

DH's new (obsession) project is to transfer 20 years worth of family movies on VHS and 8 mm onto DVD before they degrade as all film does. So, to that end, we watched 10 hours of family videos today as they were being recorded onto DVD. It's so awesome seeing the spawn when they were babies, then toddlers. We've only gotten up to 1989 and I'm wiped. More tomorrow . . .

11.24.2006

2006-11-24T20:26:00.000-05:00

I spent a good portion of the day napping. I was so tired from cooking yesterday. I did knit a little of Amy's shawl and took a bite out of the neverending laundry. It was a good day.

Behold The Veggie Turkey - Is It Not Glorious?

2006-11-23T17:23:00.000-05:00

11.23.2006

2006-11-23T09:43:00.000-05:00

Coffee, cornmeal craisin muffins and the beginnings of maple pecan pie. The pumpkin pies are baking, the turkey is coming to room temperature and the mincemeat pear pie and Abby's apple pies were finished early this morning. Guests coming soon, lots of cooking and baking left . . .

11.23.2006

2006-11-23T03:30:00.000-05:00

Mincemeat Pear Pie and Apple pies are done - aren't Abby's Apple pies beautiful? I am too tired to bake any more - I'll finish the Pumpkin Pies and Maple Pecan Pie later this morning after I catch five or so hours of sleep.

11.19.2006

2006-11-19T08:37:00.000-05:00

My checklist and timeline is complete:

One week before Thanksgiving
•• Plan the menu. Prepare and review shopping list. Buy nonperishable items.
•• Ask Greg if we can borrow his crock pot. Come up with third crockpot without committing crime.
Four days ahead
•• Start defrosting a large turkey (15-20 lbs) in refrigerator on rimmed baking sheet.
•• Compose shopping list, and purchase nonperishables.
Three days ahead
•• Make cranberry sauce, and store in the refrigerator.
•• Stuffing calls for stale bread; cut and cube bread, set cubes out in a single layer on a baking sheet to dry. Bag when done.
One day ahead
•• Shop for perishables.
•• Make pies.
•• Clean and press the table linens. Prepare serving pieces, glassware, etc.
Thanksgiving Day
•• 9:00 A.M. Remove turkey from refrigerator, allowing it to sit at room temperature for 2 hours. Prepare stuffing up to eggs and broth.
•• 11:15 A.M. Preheat the oven.
•• 11:30 A.M. Put the turkey in the oven to roast, basting every half hour.
•• 12:00 P.M. Finish preparing stuffing. Make giblet stock. Prepare veggie gravy.
•• 12:30 P.M. Assemble Veggie Turkey. Refrigerate until 3:45 P.M.
•• 3:00 P.M. Make the mashed potatoes and the sweet potatoes. Keep warm in the crock pots.
•• 3:30 P.M. Garnish desserts. Prepare whipped cream.
•• 4:00 P.M. Check the temperature of the turkey. If the temperature reads 180 , remove from oven. If not, check every 15 minutes until bird is done.
•• 4:15 P.M. Let the turkey sit for 30 minutes prior to carving. Tent loosely with foil to hold in heat. Prepare turkey gravy. Bake Veggie Turkey and stuffing. Prepare green beans. Make turkey gravy. Open red wine.
•• 5:00 P.M. Call everyone to the table.

11.19.2006

2006-11-19T07:33:00.000-05:00

Planning out the finer details of Thanksgiving, the grocery list, the timeline.

Warm kitty+ 27 degrees = contentment.

11.18.2006

2006-11-18T08:08:00.000-05:00

This week was a pretty challenging one for both DH and I. Some jobs, such as doctors, lawyers and therapists have a higher level of long term stress than others. To survive, you have remain 'objective' and turn work off when you leave the office, but it is very difficult to do so, particularly if one tries to retain any humanity at all or treat one's clients with empathy or compassion. I suppose the job wouldn't be nearly so stressful if I could just focus on squeezing every penny I could out of people and not give a shit about them, if I wouldn't care about how black my heart and soul got. And then I could go on expensive vacations, payoff my house, have lots of toys. Doesn't really seem worth it though. The being a bastard part, I mean. I'd hate to have to look in the mirror. Or live with myself.

At any rate, last night, DH and I decided to go down to the city (in this neck of the woods, 'the city' can only mean NYC), to the friendly little bar we discovered several years ago (a throwback to another era) and visit our friends.

It's been a really long time, DH has not been down since July and I hadn't been since February. I am so, so glad we went - and I had so much fun that I just had to sit down and write even though it's so late - or early - and we just now got back.

We left around 8:30 last night, encountered little traffic and got down there around 11ish. There was some construction on Houston Street, so what would normally take 5 minutes took almost forty just to go a few city blocks. But, being the city, there was plenty to look at as we were sitting, creeping along. Taxi drivers to vehicularly spar with, fashion models to eye, billboards to laugh at, young professionals interacting(trying to get laid, trying to impress). A veritable cultural anthropology/sociology lab. I got big crushing hugs from our friends, Lisa the bartender, Elo the bouncer and pool savant, Jason the federal professional and pool savant, and even Nikki the bartender was quite friendly - she actually said 'hi' to me and, for the first time ever, made eye contact with me(she's only nice to women she's interested in). Lisa bought us several rounds, we played good music on the jukebox and had impromptu sing-a-longs to Jam and Sex Pistols songs with strangers, we walked around in all the hustle and bustle, hung around on the street and talked and had some utterly awesome mexican food at a little hole in the wall called La Esquina. When I say awesome Mexican, I mean real, authentic food, not the New England idea (Taco Bell). Shredded beef, not hamburger; cilantro; warm corn tortillas, not flour; real chilis, not some runny sauce made from supermarket chili powder - sheer heaven. Having grown up in southern California, I haven't had real Mexican food for 11 years - the last time I was in California(that time I stopped by Gallegos and smuggled home 5 dozen corn tortillas in my suitcase - wish I had brought more). I mean, for Pete's sake, the only way I can get masa harina out here is if I buy Carol Shelby's chili mix - I get about a tablespoon in each package - it's just sad. Very sad. My sister used to mail me dried chilis to make sauce. So, I was quite thrilled, to say the least. My mouth was in heaven. Now, all I want to do is go back and eat there some more.

So, we left about five this morning (after most of the other bars close at three or three-thirty, we get to hangout in the bar as a 'local') and got to see a beautiful sunrise when we got close to home. And now, I am going to go snuggle with my honey and doze for a few hours.

11.11.06

2006-11-11T23:03:00.000-05:00

Planning out the Thanksgiving menu. This year, my brother-and-sister-in-law and neice will come down, and maybe first baby and her man will attend as well. Still waiting to hear back on that . . .

So, so far, the menu looks like this:

MAIN COURSE
Maple Glazed Turkey
Turkey Gravy
Vegetarian "Turkey"
Veggie Gravy
Traditional Herbed Stuffing
Sweet Potato Puree
Mashed Potatoes
Slow Sauteed String Beans
Spiced Squash and Maple Puree
Cranberry Relish
DESSERTS
Apple Pie
Pumpkin Pie
Coffee
Tea

I am writing up my timeline - when I'll buy what and cook what. My plan of attack should be done in a day or so. Then we'll have to see how much real life gets in the way!

11.08.2006

2006-11-09T00:21:00.000-05:00

Stop taking my picture

11.05.2006 True to form

2006-11-05T23:21:00.000-05:00

Tonight was the Bonfire we had planned for months and invited 38 friends to. Just before people began to arrive, and just after sunset, we lit the bonfire. Dark comes quickly here now, so within half an hour, the fire was beginning to catch and grow, and with 30 people milling about, chatting, eating, drinking, all were having fun. Then, true to form, one of our friendly week-ender neighbors (lives in the big city) called the fire department, frightened because they saw a fire in the woods. I mean, when you see a fire through the woods, with people standing near it, moving about, and you hear music coming gently through the trees - well, it means that there is a forest fire, especially after a solid week of drenching rain, and you should be very scared, right? The fire department made us put out the bonfire. Completely. Would not leave until it was completely out. What a drag, what an embarrassment. Well, we had a little fire in our little chimenea on the deck, and some fun was had. Boy, though, it really smacked me in the face how much I HATE IT HERE and want to get the %&@* out of here.

11.04.2006

2006-11-04T09:09:00.000-05:00

Harvest Bonfire tonight - twenty foot high by twelve feet wide pile of brush and logs await to be lit after sunset. White chili and homemade mac'ncheese are done, cider simmers with spices, apple pies are done and cooling, brownies are baking.

We woke to this on the ground:

Can't tell what it is? Here have a closer look:

Yes, that's right, it is snow.

This is our third snowfall this fall. And it is barely November. Do ya think we'll have another brutal winter? Hmmm . . .

11.03.2006

2006-11-03T20:47:00.000-05:00

A few posts ago, I was showing the sweater pieces I was knitting for DH - and then I stopped knitting because I needed a consult with the Yarn Goddess. Said consult took place last night and this is what DH's sweater now looks like:

As you can see, Boy and TigerLilli are helping with the frogging process. Yes, that's right - I've had to frog the whole bloody thing. Because DH is 6'2" and 204 lbs, the Yarn Goddess determined that the size L would not fit well and I should be knitting an XXL. Egads.

We are having a Harvest Bonfire tomorrow, so I must be off to cook like mad. Like mad.